“If you tell me Christian commitment is the kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you’re either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your beds and ask yourself: “Can I believe it all again today?” No, better still, don’t ask until you’ve readf the New York Times, till after you’ve studied that daily record of the world’s brokeness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer’s always Yes then you probably don’t know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you’re human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that’s choked with confession and tears and… great laughter.”

I stole it from Phillip Yancey’s book Soul Survivor which I would strongly reccomend to anyone who is even slightly frustrated with the church (most people?!) but it was written by Fredrick Buechner.

There’s so much from it that I could comment on. But, what struck me is that the no is as important as the yes. It is ok, in fact it is even helpful, to be unsure about what you believe, to wonder about your faith. Being brought up the way I have and being involved in the things I have been it’s so hard to say “you know, sometimes I’m just not sure…” It’s hard to admit when you struggle, when you question, when you doubt.

Doubt is a massive taboo amongst Christians, but I think it’s a sign of health not weakness. To be able to say I’m not sure and I don’t have all the answers is ok… And, I have decided to embrace that rather than be scared of it and I’m glad that Fredrick Buechner has helped me to do that!

I went really because my Mum was in it (she was Mary the mother of Jesus) and I wanted to support her, but I was really impressed with it for loads of other reasons too! It used all the “famous” landmarks of Winchester for different parts of the story and the acting moved through the city. There was a cast of 300, 3 big screens in different parts of the city and 12,000 people (so I’ve been told) turned out to see it, even in the freezing cold! It was fantastic to see so many people out on the streets on Winchester and to see the story of The Passion come alive.
Two main things struck me from the experience:

Firstly, watching Jesus carry the cross from the top of the High street down to the Cathedral. The guy who played him had to work out loads to be able to do it because of how physically demanding it was, really highlighting the physical pain of the cross. But, what really struck me was the loneliness that Jesus must have felt carrying that cross, and finally being hung on it in front of all those people. The way the staging worked on the front of the Cathedral meant that noone was anywhere near Jesus when he was being crucified, people could reach out, but couldn’t touch him, and us as spectators were way away from the action wacthing from afar. Jesus just looked so helpless, there were people around that could have been there (we’d just seen Peter deny him and the disciples run away) and God himself could have intervened at any point. But, Jesus chose the way of lonliness. I think lonliness is perhaps something that scares me a lot, so maybe that’s why it’s something I noticed. But that Jesus had to do it, and knowingly do it alone, really came accross in this adaptation and really highlighted Jesus’ struggle in this way.

The second thing I noticed is totally unrelated to the subject matter, but to the play itself. Winchester has an amazing network of churches, and the unity amongst them is incredible. We always took that for granted growing up there, but I think the size of the city lends itself to this together-ness much more than in other placers I’ve seen. This piece of theatre was staged by all the churches together, who raised a load of money to put it on. It was so great for me to see this unity worked out in such a practical way in my hometown, as they endevoured to traslate the Gospel into something that the people of Winchester can not only understand, but will hopefully remember too!

I don’t know how many of you know, but on the 3rd February there was an earthquake in Rwanda and the Congo. Two in quick succession and then after tremours since then. It’s just as shocking in that it’s not a well-known earthquake region, but the difference is that aout 40 people died and houses and property were completely destroyed in much of the region affected… Over there buildings are not quite as durable as over here! The damage is costing millions that they just don’t have the funds for. However, most of you probably didn’t know, because this wasn’t deemed as newsworthy. After all it’s only Africa and Africans, so who really cares anyway?

I am fed up of being told what’s newsworthy and what’s not, and not being able to find information about things… Try searching for any information about the Rwandan earthquake and see how far you get… Not very, is the short answer.

I do understand that choices have to be made and we can’t hear about everything etc. I just wish it was a bit more balanced with things that matter and things that don’t! Does anybody else care that Amy Winehouse is in rehab or that Britney Spears is going crazy? Should these things takes precedent over hearing about actual important events that are going on around the world…??! What’s actually important should be the criteria for what’s in our news rather than what do people want to hear? We all need to have our eyes opened to the world outside…!

So, in short, Siddhartha Gautama was a rich prince, who was brought up sheltered away from pain and suffering, until one day (or over a number of days!) he saw 4 sights that changed his life forever. These were an old person, a sick person, a dead person and a holy person. Basically, he had never seen any of these types of suffering before, as he was safely walled in at the palace; but seeing them first hand and realising that pain and suffering was a reality for all people made him uncomfortable and distressed and he wanted to do something about it. He chose the way of the holy man (ascetic) for a while and then found the “middle way” between pure asceticism (that is denouncing all life’s pleasures) and over-indulgence or too much pleasure, which ultimately leads to Enlightenment.

Anyway, this reminded me of something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently (and, no, I’m not converting to Buddhism!). Basically, over the last few months I feel like I have had my very own “4 sights” experience, as my world has been broadened and I have started to see that the world’s full of pain, suffering, evil and injustice. My upbringing was so sheltered that I didn’t really experience any of these, or see them first hand during it and it’s only recently that I have really began to have my eyes opened to a lot of the injustice in our society and the world around us. I don’t want to be morbid about it, but this is the reality of life.

When I was in Rwanda last year my friend Richard spoke in his church about perspective. His changed from having the biggest house in a small Rwandan village, where he thought it was the biggest house in the whole world, to moving to a town, then Kigali (Rwanda’s capital) and eventually to Manchester, England. Each time he thought this was the biggest place ever, that life couldn’t get any better, and each time his perspective on life and the world broadened. I feel like mine has done the opposite in terms of affluence (from Winchester to a small Rwandan village!), yet the same in terms of perspective. My horizons have definitely been broadened and as a result I want to do something about these injustices I see and stand with those less fortunate than myself. The nuances of this, I am discovering, are worked out day by day, and I am learning a lot!

So, my perspective is changing, and me with it- you might say I’ve had my own “four sights” experience and am now trying to discover some sort of “middle way” as I am challenged and hopefully transformed!

For now, I will leave it at that- although I’m sure a world where Heather is blogging is a lot scarier than one where she’s not!